


If I fell

by em_beatles



Category: Gay fanfiction - Fandom, John Lennon - Fandom, John Lennon and Paul McCartney, John and Paul - Fandom, Lennon/McCartney - Fandom, McLennon - Fandom, Paul McCartney - Fandom, The Beatles, classic rock - Fandom
Genre: If I Fell, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2016-11-11
Packaged: 2018-08-30 11:26:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8531218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/em_beatles/pseuds/em_beatles
Summary: Hello guys! This is my first fanfiction and it's called if I fell. Of course this Is a mclennon fanfic. Hope you enjoy! (this is the first chapter more will come soon) also don't worry I am planning to slip in explicit stuff so hang on guys the rest is coming!





	

John was impatient, school felt like a never ending torture and time was passing by as slowly as it ever could. He felt nervous, and for John that was an unusual feeling. Normally he’d be pretty proud and confident about his songs but not this time. John wrote great songs but most of them didn’t really relate with how he really felt. He used simple words to describe simple feelings, but John was a complicated being and such things as simple feelings didn’t really have a lot of place in his mind. But this time he couldn’t keep it in anymore, his love for Paul was only growing stronger and stronger and that scared him. What if Paul pushed him away? What if Paul didn’t love him back? John never brought up his feelings for Paul in any way before this. This song. And it was the only way he could think of.

 

As soon as class finished John jumped on the bus on his way to his friend’s school where Paul was already waiting for him. John tried his best to act normally but frankly he looked like a ghost. Gladly, Paul had so much to say that he didn’t really notice. He kept bragging about his brother Mike who sold him out to his father the last time he had sneaked out at night to go see him. As they we’re walking home Paul suddenly stopped and asked “ Are you even listening to me John?” John didn’t realised Paul had asked him a question as he was to preoccupied by the fact that in a few moments they would eventually get to his house and start playing and Paul would probably ask him about the song that he mentioned last time. Why did he even mentioned that song? What was he thinking. He could of kept it for him. But John knew he wouldn’t of lasted long keeping this from Paul. He knew he would mess up some day and he really didn’t want to ruin this. He wanted Paul, so badly. Was it worth of taking the risk to loose his friend? Probably not, but he felt like he couldn’t back down anymore. They kept walking, Paul waiting for an answer which he didn’t get until they arrived at John’s house. John was like that sometimes, he’d be there for a moment and then another moment he’d be in his own universe where nothing but his own thoughts could bother him. But Paul had learned to live with that.

 

As they arrived to John’s the first thing they did was to jump on their guitars. It was like a ritual. Every day after school they’d go to each others house and played guitar till their fingers ached. Sometimes they’d even forget to eat if John’s aunt Mimi wasn’t home or Paul’s father. They’d been friends since almost two years now, they met at a Church as John’s skiffle band The Quarrymen was playing. Paul had noticed him as he was inventing the lyrics of a popular song which he obviously didn’t knew and that had catch Paul’s attention. He thought it was a pretty bold thing to do but mostly to pull off. John later asked him to join his band, despite the fact that he was younger, and now here they we’re writing songs together with the same passion as day one. They’d been randomly strumming some chords for about five minutes when Paul made the first move “ Didn’t you talked about a song that you wanted to show me?”. John’s heart started to race in his chest he could almost hear it beating. There was no backing down. Not this time. For all the times he had tried to say something but didn’t. For all the times he kissed Cynthia and hoped it was Paul. Paul waited patiently for John to start playing. As John started singing he suddenly felt lighter. He wasn’t searching for Paul’s reaction he was just singing. He sang every word like each of them meant the world to him. And that was beautiful. Paul had never seen John like this. He was kind of disturbed by the deepness of the lyrics. John never really talked about his feeling, but hearing this song felt like John opened up to him like an open book. As John finished playing, Paul was completely stunned. John looked around nervously waiting for his reaction. Paul told him that he really liked the song but decided to keep his questions to himself. For John it was confusing, maybe it wasn’t clear that the song was about him? Or maybe Paul had understood but preferred to stay silent not to hurt his feelings. He preferred not to think about all the reasons Paul didn’t reacted. What was he expecting anyway? That Paul would jump in his arms and kiss him? He suddenly felt dumb of thinking that this stupid song would change everything.

 

 

The song. It had been a few days since John played it to him. It was stuck in his head and weirdly it didn’t seem to get on his nerves at all. It just kept playing again and again in the back of his mind. Paul didn’t know what to think about it. John had a bird, Cynthia, and they loved each other. Had he met somebody new? No… John would have told him, of course he wouldn’t miss a chance to brag about a new bird chasing after him, so why would he write a song like that? Something was going on and Paul knew that but he just couldn’t put his finger on it and it bothered him. The idea that the song was about him had, at a point, crossed his mind but seemed truly impossible. How could a tough guy like John could be in love with him? And besides, John wasn’t gay. The fact that he didn’t understand what was going on made him go crazy, it even got to a point where Paul had trouble sleeping. Why was he so obsessed? It was just a stupid song after all. He had to ask him. At first, he didn’t want to seem rude or invading his privacy by asking but he had to.

 

This time, Paul was the one to be nervous. Maybe deep down he knew the true meaning of all this but he unconsciously denied it. All he knew was that he was nervous, and that felt weird. John and him had been friends for a while now and he never felt stressed about telling him something. They had been through hell together, the death of John’s mother, all the trouble that the band caused, everything, but never he had felt a such thing. When Paul entered John’s bedroom John was laying on his bed with his eyes closed singing from the top of his lungs the well known lyrics of his favourite Elvis record. Paul laid next to him and started doing the same. They laid there until the record stopped playing leaving the boys in a sudden silence. If Paul didn’t started talking, they probably would’ve stayed there for a while laying next to each other with their bodies touching, feeling each other’s warmth. So many thoughts went by in John’s mind when Paul started talking. He felt like his chest was being crushed, his heart was beating so fast. Now was the moment. He had to tell him. Paul was asking for answers and John would give them to him. He feared his reaction, he feared that Paul would leave him, he feared Paul would be disgusted, he feared that Paul wouldn’t understand. But he had to. “ I love you” said John now sitting in his bed and looking away. “ I have loved you for so long but never had the strength to tell you. I’ve been living with this secret for too long and this song was the only way I found to tell you. I feared your reaction, but you didn’t understood. Now that you do, please don’t hate me. I love you Paul and I don’t want to loose you. I can’t.” Paul starred at him quietly. He didn’t know what to say. He loved him? Since when? Why? “ I’m… I’m not a queer John… I’m sorry I..” Paul started. John felt devastated. A queer? Really? He wasn’t a queer. He felt like crying. Deep down he knew that Paul wouldn’t understand. He knew that this would happen. Now what. He ruined everything. What would become their friendship now? They both stood there, sitting, side by side, silent. Paul didn’t know what to do. Leave? He didn’t want to hurt John, He felt bad. He felt bad for not loving him. At least not in this way. He felt bad for not saying anything. He felt bad for everything. He couldn’t stand being there anymore. He needed to go. As Paul left the room, a tear rolled down of John’s red cheeks. He felt like dying. Literally his world just collapsed. He made Paul go away with his stupid gay feelings. Maybe Paul was right. Maybe he was a stupid bloody queer. He hated himself for loving Paul. He hated himself.

 

Paul couldn’t sleep. He kept thinking about John. He felt bad, real bad. How could he face John ever again. He had hurt him… As much as he didn’t wanted to he did. But how could’ve he done differently? He couldn’t of pretended to love John if it wasn’t true. But how long had John loved him? Did he loved him since they met? Why did he never noticed before? Did he loved him when he started going out with Cynthia or had it started afterwards? Paul had so many questions going through his head it was making him dizzy. He wished that his mind could just stop but it didn’t, it just kept going on and on and on through the night.

 

John didn’t show up to the practice. Pete even said that John hadn’t showed up to school ever since… ever since that day. Paul was really worried but he didn’t have the strength to show up at John’s. He feared that if he did he’d hurt John even more. But he also feared that if he didn’t John would do something. He remembered that when his mother died John got really depressed and at some point even tried to kill himself, but Paul kept him from doing it. He had helped him go through something that himself had to do years before. The only difference is that he had to do it alone. He didn’t know what to do. Maybe John needed time.

 

A few days had gone by and Paul still had no news of his friend. Paul had been thinking of John every second of his existence since that day. He didn’t know what to think anymore, He didn’t even know how he felt. All he knew was that himself couldn’t live without John. He spent some night thinking about him, some dreaming about him. Dreaming about them. The first night that Paul dreamed about John he woke up pretty confused. Why was he dreaming of holding his hand? Why was he dreaming about him that way? Maybe his mind was playing tricks on him. Maybe it was the way that his mind had found to cope with all that happened? The second time, Paul dreamed about him, he dreamt about more than holding hands and in some way it made him feel good. At first, Paul was pretty disturbed by all this. Was he falling in love? No, there was no way. Paul wasn’t gay. He loved girls… The way that they smiled, their eyes, their delicate lips… But John? Paul had to admit that John was pretty. He had always loved the way John placed his hair, or the way John smiled, or the way John looked at him. He looked at him in a way that he looked at no one else, not even Cynthia… As he began listing in his mind every single thing that he loved about John he began to wonder. Maybe he loved him.

 

More the days we’re passing by, more it was getting clearer in Paul’s mind. He was still pretty confused but there was something that he was now sure. He loved John. At least now he did if he didn’t long before that. But now what? He had to go see John. He had to.

 

When he opened the door of John’s bedroom he found him laying in the dark. At first it seemed like a dead corpse and Paul almost had a panic attack but when he listened more closely he could hear John’s breathing. The room was dark and cold and you could tell that John had nearly left the room since Paul had left last time. Paul opened the window and began to pick up the empty beer bottles on the floor. How many did he drank? John didn’t moved, he wasn’t sleeping but he didn’t moved. Paul sat on his bed and waited for John to say or do something. “What do you want?” John finally asked. “ I wan’t to talk to you” said Paul. “Come on John get up.” John lifted his heavy head from his pillow. Has he sat on his bed Paul got up and gave him some fresh clothes. John changed himself and sat back on his bed. He remained silent starring at the floor. “ I’m sorry” said Paul. “ I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I hurt you. You know I was really worried about you. I was worried that you’d do something stupid, that you’d try to hurt yourself. But that’s not why I came back.” He stopped talking. “ I… I love you too John.” John lift up his head and starred at Paul. He looked shocked. He didn’t believe what he just heard. Did Paul really just said that? He never thought he’d ever hear Paul say this. Paul had left and now he’s back and he says he loves him? That made no sense. “What?” answered John? “ I love you” Paul didn’t have time to finish his sentence that John leaned and kissed him. His lips were smooth… Paul kissed back. Soon, John’s tongue slowly touched his lips almost asking permission to get in. Paul opened his mouth and their tongues met. It felt like John’s mouth was made to fit with Paul’s. It felt like heaven. Paul could feel John’s heart beating fast. And John could feel Paul’s cheek turning red. They kept kissing both not wanting to break the kiss. John’s hand grabbing Paul’s hair and pulling him towards him. He wanted to feel Paul’s body next to his, he wanted to kiss every inch of skin he could. He kissed him like his life depended on it. And it was beautiful. Paul’s hand were searching a place to go gliding on John’s body. They began lying on top of each other still kissing. Paul could even feel John’s awaking erection and it made Paul’s pants feel tighter. He could feel the heat rising in his stomach. John let out a moan as Paul began moving on top of him. All of this was going so fast. A minute ago they were still siting on his bed and now the two boys were on top of each other kissing passionately. Out of breath John slowly kissed the top of Paul’s lip and tilted his head back to it’s normal position. Paul laid back next to John looking him in his eyes. They remained silent for a while simply starring at each other. Both contemplating every detail of each other. They could’ve stayed this way for hours but eventually Paul had to go back home. He would’ve given so much just to stay there a little bit longer laying next to John his hands on his chest feeling every heartbeat, every breath he take but he knew that his dad would probably ground him if he didn’t get back home soon. As he began to get up John grabbed his arm and pulled him towards him he began to kiss him delicately and whispered “don’t you ever leave me again”. Paul kissed back as an answer and quietly left the room.


End file.
